Last week’s theme of boredom relief for the newly underemployed was Spring Break. My kids dominated my list and it turned out to be more of a to-do list than anything else. This week has only one ‘must do’ item around the house. The rest of the list is meant to make me a better person, which is to say the bar is still set pretty low.
#4 Learn to play ‘Sweet Home Chicago,’ again.
If at first you don’t succeed, then wait until the house is empty and try again. I’m really going to succeed this week even if it means working hard and overcoming the odds, which strikes me as the exact opposite attitude of a blues musician. It is very strange to me that this style of music requires more skill and effort than simply crying out loud. Feeling the blues is easy; playing the blues is so hard that it can give you, well, the blues. I really believed that it was three chords and a shuffle, made easier by the fact that there is no bridge and no chorus, but throw in a lot of minor 7ths and some dominant 5ths and so on and so on, and suddenly Mozart himself would be left with a headache. Truthfully, it’s likely not that difficult, I just need to discover the trick.
My plan is to pick up my guitar, set my iPhone on repeat and play the song over and over until I get the sound right. I’m pretty decent at figuring out the key of a song this way, but not much else. If that doesn’t work, then Hello Google! If that doesn’t work, then Hello YouTube! If that doesn’t work, then Hello guitar case! and Hello Pandora!
#3 Cook a chicken-based dish for supper.
I have no problem cooking meals and since I’m more Mr. Mom than Mr. Awesome these days, and I have taken it upon myself to start cooking more meals. The other evening I decided that leftover pizza and bowls of Fruit Loops had run their course, so after a tour through the freezer past the leftover bean soup, a refrozen daiquiri and a WTH was that (?) I found a bag of frozen chicken breasts. I pulled the bag out with full intentions of making a fantastic chicken dish only to realize that I had no idea how. I have grilled hundreds of chicken breasts, but that’s a cooking technique which was perfected by Cro-Magnon cave dwellers around the turn of the last ice age and genetically passed on to every person who can burn carbon, i.e., everyone, ever. So, nothing special there, but no longer! I’m going to get a new recipe from Bobby the Pioneer Southern Woman and throw down some Iron Chef chicken that will knock Paula Dean back into the racist ‘80s. By the time I’m finished I’ll have an entire line of cooking utensils named after me and host my own cooking show called Celebrity Chef who Steals From YouTube! You’ll see!! TOTAL CHICKEN DOMINATION!!! I’LL SHOW ALL OF YOU!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!! Ok, I definitely need a recipe which has some wine in it.
#2 Kill a mole.
I have a mole in my backyard. I’ve never had a mole in my yard before so I have no idea how to get rid of one. I wouldn’t mind it so much except that my dog is digging holes all over the yard trying to catch it. And I wouldn’t mind that so much if she would, in fact, catch it. Plus, you may recall that I recently planted a garden and I don’t want the unwelcome backyard guest to make itself at home at the Raised Bed Buffet. I asked my dad if he had any ideas and he suggested a trap which he claimed never worked for him. Thanks. I’ve heard of poison gas, but that sounds like less of an extermination method and more of an expect-the-local-hazmat-unit-and-television-news-crew-at-your-house-for-the-rest-of-the-afternoon method. Really, this goal will be more of a research challenge than an extermination challenge because I have no idea what I’m doing, which is becoming a common theme through these challenges (you’ve noticed that already? Ok…).
Don’t get me wrong, if I could catch and release it I would, but have you ever heard of someone catching and releasing a mole? I haven’t. I think extermination is the way to go. I once had an uncle who spent an entire day sitting in his garden with a shotgun at the entrance of a gopher hole waiting for it to come out and sneak a peek at the Grim Reaper in overalls. It was both an awesome and strange sight at the same time. It was awesome because, hey, a guy in a garden with a shotgun beats any scarecrow you’ve ever seen, and strange because he looked like he had seen Children of the Corn one too many times. I’m not sure if that’s the route I want to take, what with thunderstorms in the forecast and all, but I definitely think extermination is the way to go.
#1 Go to an Art Gallery.
If the truth is told, I really like museums and galleries and such. Where else besides a Rolling Stones concert can you find priceless items hundreds of years old available for your viewing pleasure? I am a bit of a museum nerd but galleries are more of a challenge. Whereas museums display a chunk of a trillion-year-old space crystal which was sculpted into a 100-breasted fertility goddess by some guy with mommy issues during the Caesar Augustus administration and requires no greater reaction than, “Wow, cool,’ galleries tend to expect a more thoughtful response. I’ve been to the National Art Gallery in Washington D.C., the Kimball Art Gallery in Fort Worth and the Velvet Elvis/Confederate Flag flea market/sales tent at the abandoned gas station on Highway 1 just outside of Coushatta, Louisiana and I think I am accurate in saying that all of them expect to have their displays oohed and aahed over (Microsoft Word doesn’t think that ‘aahed’ is a word but I’m sticking to my guns).
So my challenge is to go the local art gallery, which I’ve been to before, and find my inner Rembrandt. Or my inner Ansel Adams. Or maybe my inner Michelangelo. Or simply to find a human being who has contributed more to the artistic conscience of the world than some yahoo running a blog based upon his fight against boredom.
Four is enough this week. I can’t solve all of the world’s problems at one time.
See you on Friday.
Breathing in Moderation 