My Daughter Likes Dragons – Fri, 10Apr2015

This week was consumed with one central theme – Spring Break. Between the chocolate shakes for breakfast and new tracks on Mario Kart – ‘Our Dad is the greatest dad ever!’ – I spent most of my time with my kids, and I loved it. Who needs Disneyworld? We’ve got magic airplanes, dragons, and stainless teeth! Here we go….

#5  Assembled 1261 pieces of a 1297 piece Lego set.

My son and I completed our Lego Cargo Plane and may I say, it is awesome. It has movable wing flaps, elevators, and an electric motor which powers the propellers, retractable landing gear, the cargo bay door in the rear, the cockpit in the front and I think, if you listen close enough, an onboard movie. When I was a kid the coolest thing I ever built with Legos was a wall, and if I was feeling particularly lively that day, a wall with a window. Who came up with all of this? When we bought this set last week I thought that it was way overpriced, but now I’m convinced that it is way underpriced. The level of engineering in this thing is incredible. It has a transmission – a transmission – and yes, we had to assemble it, which was awesome. If Lego ran NASA, we wouldn’t worry about going to Mars (and quite frankly, who cares? Is Obi-Wan Kenobi up there? Will he show us how to make a light saber?), we would just be happy figuring out different ways to take apart and reassemble the Lincoln Memorial. There’s only one problem: we have 36 pieces left. They are small pieces, and I really think they are just spares, but let’s just say I’m glad that I’m not actually flying anywhere on this plane, although, I totally could.

#4  I think my brown-eyed daughter just likes dragons.

So I looked into my daughter’s new ‘boyfriend’ (ugh) and it turns out that this entire episode is so innocent that I may have been a bit over concerned. He’s a nice boy with a crush and she’s a nice girl who likes getting free stuff. It turns out that they both like the movie series How to Eat a Dragon; or maybe it’s How to Feed a Dragon; no, wait, How to Train Your Dragon. Anyway, whatever it is, it was so successful that they made Part 2 because apparently the feeding/training wasn’t complete, sort of like the Free Willy franchise. After the first one, one would think the stupid whale would have learned its lesson, but nooo, it obviously became trapped at least two more times, and if Warner Bros. can wring some more summer movie dollars out of it, I’m sure he’ll caught again. Back to the boyfriend (sorry), he gave her some dragon paraphernalia for Valentine’s Day and she loved it. That’s it. Their ‘relationship’ (ugh) hinges upon Dreamworks’ decision to make more dragon eating movies, which means they’ll be an ‘item’ (ugh) for years to come.

#3  My blue-eyed daughter’s mouth meets foreign substances, and it’s not the braces.

Either my daughter’s threshold of pain is much higher than I suspected or the new braces weren’t as bad as feared. To be fair, she only had the top set put on, so it could have been a lot worse. Her biggest problem is varying her diet. Twix and taffy are out, not-Twix and not-taffy foods are in. This will be an opportunity to open her horizons, because thus far, unless it comes from a box or a drive-thru window, she doesn’t like it. But it’s not like she’s overweight. In fact, she’s about as wide as a coat of paint, but she doesn’t like any home-cooked meals. Of course I’ve appealed to her southern roots and told her that it is her obligation to like greens and iced tea and lard, but she won’t have anything to do with it. At least her teeth will be straight and will match the rest of her.

#2  I’m convinced more than ever that Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil.

I tried, I really did.

Robert Johnson’s music was written and recorded in the early twentieth century and sounds like it was recorded on a tin can. So how hard can it be to play? Turns out that it is very hard. I tried to teach myself to play Sweet Home Chicago and the best I could do was decide that it is played in the key of E, or maybe D, or maybe P flat. I’m just not sure. There are chords and sounds in that song which I’m now convinced only a guitar with 17 strings played by someone with 14 fingers could be played. B.B. King once said that the Blues is like southern cooking: it only has three ingredients, but the way you combine those ingredients is what makes the result great. I think Johnson was making Filet Mignon before his time. If he was on my wife’s favorite show Chopped, he could make a five star meal out of Tostitos, coffee grounds and motor oil. I’m going to try again next week when the kids are back in school. My efforts were made a little tougher this week by having Mario Kart constantly playing in the background, and me participating in it (but we we’ll disregard that part).

#1  I can predict who likes the RFRA and who doesn’t. No, really I can.

Ok, the RFRA fervor has died down a bit so maybe now cooler heads can prevail and we can figure this out as best we can. Allow me to take a moment to state that I oppose same-sex marriage but recognize that I’m probably in the minority these days and it’s a reality now for many states with more likely to come.

Let’s frame the discussion. Same-sex marriage has become legal in several states. These couples have apparently been turned away from some businesses who typically service the wedding industry because the business owners have a moral objection to participating in any way to a same-sex union. As a result, couples have claimed discrimination based upon sexual orientation and the businesses have sought legal protection against this claim. Enter the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Indiana and Arkansas have pursued a path in favor of the business owners, but a loud outcry has caught these lawmakers by surprise and they have since backed down. However, the issue remains unresolved because we are right back where we started: same-sex couples may face discrimination and business owners may be forced to choose between moral convictions or legal concerns.

The core issue here is one’s view of homosexuality. Any person’s view of the RFRA can be accurately predicted based upon one’s understanding of homosexuality. Those who oppose the RFRA do so on the grounds that it is illegal to discriminate against a person for traits that a person is born with. In this view, homosexuality is a human trait similar to race, gender, eye color, etc. On the other hand, those who support the RFRA do so on grounds of objecting to the normalizing of homosexuality. In this view, homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. Some would call it a poor choice, even a sin (Romans 1.26, 27). So, here is the core question before us: Is homosexuality a trait from birth or a lifestyle of choice? If it is from birth then the discrimination question is settled against the RFRA. But if it is a choice issue, then no reasonable person should be forced conduct a privately-owned profitable business which provides services or products against their moral convictions. A Jewish baker should not be expected to provide Nazi-themed cakes for the Arian nation, an African-American clothier should not be required to provide uniforms for the Ku Klux Klan, and physicians are already refusing to provide treatment to children whose parents refuse to vaccinate their children. And if they are required to do so against their moral objections, is this not also discrimination against the business owner?

I believe homosexuality is a lifestyle of choice, thus not subject to the laws of discrimination, but I’m in the minority. Is a compromise possible? Yes, but not at the legal level. Business owners are prohibited from discriminating based upon traits from birth, and rightly so, but they are also prohibited from discriminating based upon other lifestyle choices such as religious views. However, we all appreciate, and even expect, that gun shop owners can restrict sales to an extremist even if religious discrimination is claimed. Private business owners should be allowed to conduct business according to moral convictions and patrons are free to take their business where they please. Honestly, do we expect that a business owner who is forced to provide products against their convictions would provide a good one? The African-American business owner could legally provide uniforms to the klan which are late, or two sizes too small, or sheer (fat white guys, yuck) so long as they entertain the business. Patrons would be better served if they take their business where they will be satisfied with the service and products, private business owners can keep their convictions intact, and no one goes to jail or to a wedding with a terrible cake.

I may have bit off more than I can chew this week. Next week promises to have less kid-centered activities involved.

See you on Monday.

Spring Break – Week of Mon, 06Apr2015

I’m looking straight down the barrel of another slow week (read: 7 days off, again) and thus another week of new and exciting adventures (read: cheap crap to do around the house). Last week brought some interesting prospects and a renewed determination to plant the flag of victory into unchartered territory (read: keep the house from disintegrating while my wife starts her new job.)

#5 – Help my son put together a bazillion piece Lego set.

As I write this I’m attempting to help my son, who is on spring break along with his sisters, put together the most awesome Lego set I have ever had in my house. It’s a motorized cargo plane designed for ages 10-16, but I think between the both of us and a little help from YouTube, a Haynes Manual and the Risen Savior we should have it together by the end of 2017. Before this we put together a 24 piece motorcycle, some helicopter/boat/fruit juicer combo and the Batmobile, but this is by far our biggest challenge. This will be one of those sets which will remain intact once assembled, even if the box claims that it can also be assembled into a super cool hovercraft. That’s crazy. It’s like saying that once I’ve constructed a 787 I can then disassemble it and use the parts to build the USS Superdome. On second thought, that may be kind of cool. We’ll see.

#4 – Investigate my brown-eyed daughter’s new ‘boyfriend.’

My brown-eyed daughter is our second child. She’s the outdoorsy, help-in-the-garden, live-in-the-moment type. The other night at the dinner table, word got out that she has a secret admirer at school who recently made his feelings known with Valentine’s Day gifts just for her. Soon afterwards he asked her to the Spring Dance. This is all innocent enough except for one thing – she’s eleven years old. Yep, ELEVEN…rhymes with heaven…used to be seven…ELEVEN. How old is he? I don’t know…eleven? Twelve? They’re in the same class together. My wife shot down the date idea and it turns out that the boy’s mother did as well. Still, my daughter is keeping the gifts and not denying that she’s ‘involved.’ Ugh. I’m sure that he’s a fine boy and his parents are proud, but I was a boy once and I can confidently predict with 100% of precincts reporting that I’m not going to like this at all. A little investigating is in order.

#3 – Get braces for my blue-eyed girl.

My blue-eyed girl is our firstborn. She’s the indoorsy, girly-girl, filled-with-drama type, and she gets braces this week. Meanwhile my checkbook gets an IV for dehydration. Good grief, braces are expensive. And, as an added bonus, I’ve been told that they’re painful. Honestly, I don’t know what to expect because I never had braces. In fact, except for one cavity, my 41 year old dental record is spotless. I have great teeth, but apparently this is a recessive trait which my wife’s dominant dental trait beat mercilessly while laughing and saying, ‘We’ll have none of that.’ My other two are already on track for braces as well. It makes sense that all three of our children would have dental issues since both of our ancestries trace back to the British Isles where dental care ranks somewhere north of hoping Scotland sticks around to somewhere well south of waiting for the royals to reproduce. What I’m bracing myself for (see what I did there?) is the gratuitous moaning and carrying on that I’m sure she’ll be delivering by the bucket loads. Stay tuned.

#2 – Learn to play a Robert Johnson tune.

For those who may not know, Robert Johnson is the greatest blues guitar pioneer in history. Famous blues guitarists such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, Buddy Guy and Eric Clapton have covered his music and credited him as a major influence of their own. Legend has it that when the young Keith Richards first heard a Robert Johnson song he asked who was playing with him only to be told that Johnson was playing all of it alone. Have you ever heard Clapton play ‘Crossroads?’ That’s not Clapton’s song, its Robert Johnson’s. And now, I’m going to try to learn to play one of this guy’s tunes.

Yes, I have a guitar, and yes, I have a rudimentary understanding of how to play it, and yes, Johnson is the Mozart of blues music, and yes, I’m the Charmin ad lady of blues music: ‘So does your bum feel fresh today? No? Sounds like a bloody hell good blues song. Bugger.’ I have several songs to choose from: Kindhearted Woman Blues, Sweet Home Chicago, Walking Blues, Cross Road Blues, Milkcow’s Blues and on and on. The biggest challenge may be putting myself in a blues state of mind. I’m not particularly depressed and my wife isn’t cheating on me and none of my fourteen kids are in prison, so I may have to dig around the house to find something to be blue about. The ‘Can’t Get my Netflix to Work Today Blues’ just doesn’t sound right. Dig harder. ‘We’re Out of Toothpaste Blues?’ No, dig harder. ‘Balance the Checkbook Blues?’ Yep, that should do it.

#1 – Wrap my head around the Religious Freedom Restoration Act debate.

Full disclosure: despite the fact that I consider myself a devout Christian who attends church regularly and despite the fact that I am a professional in the oil and gas industry (who is currently practicing for retirement), I am a political moderate (note: see title of this blog). Admittedly, I tend to lean to the right, but I am not a member of any political party. To give an example of my thoughts, I don’t think Hillary Clinton is trustworthy yet I also don’t think Ted Cruz appreciates the value of thinking hard. Being a moderate is becoming more and more isolating because the professional political extremists seem to be the only ones gaining ground. Meanwhile pee-ons like me who still see some value in a good compromise are wondering who is going to start yelling next. Yes, I believe in fighting for what you believe in, but I also believe that only fools believe you can get 100% of what you want 100% of the time.

This leads me to the recent debate surrounding the RFRA. Somebody failed to strike a reasonable compromise. Did anyone win? Did anyone lose? Has discrimination been overcome? Has religious conviction been satisfied? Is the debate really over? Is there more under the surface? In response to the last question, I think there is and I intend to look into it during the week. I’m interested in visiting with a homosexual private business owner and finding out if there is a line he/she wouldn’t cross because of moral objections.

In the meantime, I’m interested in attacking breakfast.

See you on Friday.